The Covenant: Abercrombie & Witch

The Craft meets The Skulls in this supernatural teen drama: The Covenant is a clumsy attempt at blending the most popular tropes of the YA-genre and pairs sloppy writing with poor acting. But it’s one of those films that is so bad it’s actually really entertaining.

What’s it about? The film follows “The sons of Ipswich”, a group of attractive young men with vaguely defined supernatural powers who are descendants of the four families that survived the witch trials of the late 17th century. For centuries, their families have kept their powers a secret, but when the group finds themselves faced with an evil force that was believed dead, they must fight to protect the ones they love.

What’s it really about? The frattiest witches to ever witch. It’s actually hard to root for these boys because they already have everything: they’re extremely wealthy and good-looking, they’re well respected by everyone and they’re most likely going to get accepted at an Ivy League college – what on earth do these white douchebags need witch powers for? Their privilege is the only superpower they need! Ugh!

The Covenant is not based on a bestselling YA novel, but it clumsy tries to blend the most popular tropes of the genre. It’s poorly acted and sloppily written, but there are a few things that make the film worthwhile anyways…

Pick if:

  • You’re a fan of Twilight, Shadowhunters, Beautiful Creatures, The Craft, or Vampire Academy
  • You’re looking for a creepy film to welcome the autumn season: The Covenant is set at the beginning of term at a Massachusetts boarding school. You get the fog, the fallen leaves, and lots of leather jackets
  • You appreciate films like Immortals that fetishize the well-groomed, super toned male body: the team sport of choice in this film is swimming, so you will see a lot of attractive young men with their shirts off

    54745b6de4b03c03eaf22425
    An essential scene from The Covenant
  • You are looking for a trashy film to watch at a slumber party with your girlfriends
  • You were a fan of the short-lived CW shows Star-Crossed and The Secret Circle: Incidentally, The Covenant feels like a pilot to a CW show that never even got ordered to series
  • You don’t mind terrible writing: the dialogue in The Covenant is so sloppily written, it will make you cringe. Although the film is not based on a YA novel, it definitely feels like you’ve missed a whole book series full of backstory. I reckon this film is best watched ironically
  • Bad acting is not a deal breaker for you either: out of all the sub-par performances in this film, Laura Ramsey takes the cake as Sarah, whose story arc is basically a cautionary tale that tells young women why it’s a bad idea to be ride or die for a guy you only just met – it might get you kidnapped by a power-hungry dude witch
  • You’ve always thought that Twilight‘s Bella was the worst female character in a supernatural teen romance: Sarah is so terrible, she will instantly redeem Bella’s character by 50 percent

If you like to here more ranting about The Covenant, check out the podcast How did this get made, which is where I got the title for this post from.

Most ridiculous scene: Pogue and Chase face-off with the former angrily driving his motorcycle towards the latter, who is standing in the middle of a road in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

Cringiest line of dialogue:

Sarah: “Who are they?”
Kat: “The sons of Ipswich”

What the fuck does that mean?

Where can I watch? The Covenant is on YouTube and Netflix (for full list of countries, see flixsearch).

The Covenant (2006): running-time 1h 37mins.; starring Steven Strait (10 000 BC), Sebastian Stan (Captain America), Chace Crawford (Gossip Girl), Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights), Laura Ramsey (Hindsight), Toby Hemingway, Jessica Lucas (Gotham).

 

 

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